Postpartum Rage: The Overlooked Symptom of Postpartum Depression
My baby has been screaming for what feels like hours. She won’t nap unless I hold her. How the hell am I supposed to hold her nonstop and still care for my other children? I’m sweaty from having her pressed up against me for so long. My arms feel sore, heavy. My neck aches from nursing her while trying to sleep the night before. There are toys everywhere, my final attempt in keeping the other kids busy while I bounce and sway a screaming, tired baby. I smell like spoiled milk. I haven’t changed my shirt in two days.
As the screaming gets louder, I can feel heat rising in my cheeks. I feel my teeth grinding together, my grip on the baby tighten. I want to shake her, I want to throw her across the room…but really I just want her to STOP. CRYING. My oldest asks for a snack. I snap at her to leave me alone, guilt washes over me immediately, followed by resentment. Resentment for the baby, resentment for my husband having to work, resentment for my other children needing anything else from me. How can I give them any of myself when I’m out of everything right now? My toddler starts to cry. Her cries and the baby’s cries and my own rage are so loud in my own head that I can’t hear anything else for a moment. It’s all drowned out by crying and the color red.
Finally, I hear my husband’s truck pull up and the sound of the side door opening and closing. He walks in, lunchbox and briefcase in hand and I charge over to him, practically throwing the baby in his arms proclaiming “HERE! I can’t. I’m out.” I am so angry now I can’t even form decent sentences. I head for the door, no shoes, in my pajamas, walking fast, practically running. I speed walk all the way to the end of my driveway and collapse behind a bush. I pull my knees up to my chest and try not to scream.
This is an actual retelling of one afternoon when my youngest was about five months old…at least, I think it is. The thing is, I was so angry when this happened that all I really remember is my husband coming home, me handing him the baby, and walking out to the driveway to sit. My brain was so overloaded with emotions, that when I try to think back to it, it’s all a blank. I mention the color red because for me, sometimes when I’m really overloaded, feelings feel more like colors. I remember crying and screaming and guilt and chaos and the color red. And being angry. Really, really angry.
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Postpartum rage is an “unofficial” symptom of postpartum depression (PPD). It is so very common, but for some reason is not included as one of the official symptoms of PPD (although irritation is, go figure). A lot of women report feeling intense bouts of anger as part of their PPD symptoms, but they don’t always register that this is part of their depression. When we think of PPD, we think of feeling sad, crying a lot, and withdrawing from the family or your baby. And PPD can certainly look like that! But it can also look like intense rage seemingly out of nowhere.
It is so often mentioned that research from the University of British Columbia states that “women in the postpartum period should be screened for anger in addition to depression and anxiety” when screening for PPD. Currently, anger as it pertains to PPD is not well studied and is not widely used in all screening tools; however, this study found it to be a significant feature in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD’s).
Postpartum rage refers to overwhelming anger. Anger that feels out of place or too intense for the situation. Women may lash out at their baby crying (a perfectly normal thing that babies do), their other children or spouse, or even inanimate objects (THESE FUCKING SHOES ARE ALWAYS IN MY WAY). The anger can feel misdirected (like for example, anger towards shoes or the dogs or birds). We are often really mad for a real, legitimate reason, but we are directing that anger somewhere else. Sometimes that’s because it’s an easier place to direct it, and sometimes it’s because we feel a lot of guilt being angry at certain things, like our children or a helpless newborn who is literally just existing.
By the way, I’m not saying this anger isn’t justified. Quite the opposite – new moms have plenty of things to be angry about and motherhood is rarely what you expect it to be. Maybe you thought you would breastfeed, but you just can’t get your baby to latch. Maybe you expected your baby would sleep in their crib, but now they won’t let you put them down. And what if you expected to love co-sleeping but you’re so anxious about having the baby in your bed that you can’t sleep at all? So many clients I work with actually admit to hate the newborn phase – and why wouldn’t they? Newborns take take take all day long and rarely give anything back – but who says that out loud? No one. That feeling alone can be very isolating.
Well meaning family members and even strangers have all kinds of opinions about what you should be doing or what you’re doing wrong. And it seems, no matter what advice you take or how hard you try, that shame button inside of you is getting pushed over and over again. When we’re exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling judged and ashamed, it’s pretty easy for that all to come out as anger.
So, if any of this seems like you, please know that you are not alone, you are not to blame, and with the proper treatment, you can feel a lot better. Anger is a common symptom of PPD, even if it’s easier to talk about feeling sad and weepy. We know that 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression and that symptoms that last beyond the first two weeks postpartum are not the baby blues and need to be evaluated by a professional. These feelings are not your fault, they do not mean you’re a bad mom, they do not mean you don’t love your baby, and there is help available to you. This directory allows you to search for maternal mental health specialists who are trained and certified in perinatal and maternal mental health, which means you would be working with someone uniquely trained to help. And of course, if you’re in Maryland or Pennsylvania, I would be honored to work with you. Don’t let your mental health rob you of this special time with your baby and more important, your happiness as a person.
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Erin Newton, LCPC, PMH-C is a life-long resident of Harford County, Maryland. She’s a mother to three girls and has been married to her best friend for twenty years. She has been a therapist for over a decade and in that time has worked with 100’s of individuals, couples, and families during some of life’s most challenging chapters – welcoming a new baby, navigating postpartum emotions, managing anxiety, processing traumatic events, and rebuilding connection between partners. She specializes in birth trauma, maternal and perinatal mental health, first responder wellness, anxiety, OCD and relationship and connection issues. She is a quilter, retired marathon runner (twice!) and has been rockin’ rainbow hair since the fall of 2020.
She has immediate openings for new clients in both Maryland and Pennsylvania for both individuals and couples and can typically get an intake scheduled in a week or less. She is out of network with insurance so that together you can determine how much treatment you need, but can provide a Superbill for reimbursement and accepts an HSA card for services.